How Not To Impress a Girl

Avery Bather, ’14

Males seem to believe that being super buff, tan, and charming is all it takes to impress a girl. Many are under the impression that a constant flow of compliments and praises will do the trick. And on top of that, the strong majority of young men assume if they talk themselves up and boast about their many talents and accomplishments, the girl will immediately leap into their arms, and they’ll live happily ever after. Well—sorry boys—that’s just not the case.

So, before you prance on over to the next girl you fancy, consider these ten pieces of advice.

First, do NOT brag about how good you are at sports. Your girl might smile and say, “Wow,” appearing to understand your football terminology and code words. Beware—she has no idea what you’re talking about. In her ears, a flourishing conversation can instantly dive into the droning sound of Charlie Brown’s teacher.

Second, do NOT wear sweatpants! I realize the soft, comfy, loosey-goosey feeling is quite hard to resist, but just remember: pain = beauty. (Pain: stiffness of real pants. Beauty: dreamy, beautiful girl.)

Third, do NOT text your feelings—speak them! I know, talking is hard and scary but just practice in the mirror a few times, and you’ll be good to go. We care about what you can say, not what your thumbs can.

Fourth, do NOT try to be Bruno Mars. I will admit, the guy has written some pretty lovey-dovey lyrics, but that does not mean you steal them—they are not, and never will be, yours. Yes, I suppose telling her, “Girl, you’re amazing just the way you are” is rather cute and romantic–if you said it in 2009.

Fifth, do NOT cuss. As cool as your “bros” might think it is, I guarantee your girl will not find it the least bit flattering to have the F-bomb exploding out of your mouth every other word. Choosing such crude and vulgar vocabulary can come off as tasteless and unintelligent. Instead, go dig out your old vocabulary workbook from freshman year, and it’ll quickly refresh your memory of the English language.

Sixth, do NOT send mirror pics. Having an image pop up of a pale, topless teenage boy holding his phone and smiling in the mirror is, frankly, not the most charming form of communication. What would you be hoping to accomplish by sending this? That’s right, you want a picture in return. Well I hate to break it to you boys, but the only thing you will receive in return is one big fat awkward pause in the conversation. No decent girl is going to know how to respond to the shocking sight of your bare nipples, and any hope of impressing her will be flushed down the toilet.

Seventh, do NOT be a second grader. As fun as it was to chase her around the playground, push her down, and call her names, impressing a girl has developed into a much more complex process. You must refrain from gaining attention from being mean, and learn to flirt, compliment, and swoon the girl you are interested in.

Eighth, do NOT be a puppy dog. Once you have learned how to display positive attention to the girl, the next essential element is finding the right amount. Too many compliments, dates, or text messages can very quickly overwhelm her. If you insist on spending every waking moment paying attention to your girl, she will at the same time be distancing herself from what’s even more important than you—her girlfriends. Once she has lost her friends, she will replace them with you. This will begin to feel unnatural to both parties, and the once healthy relationship will rapidly deteriorate.

Ninth, do NOT be an Axe Bomber. You have these magical chemicals called pheromones in your body that have been scientifically proven to attract female members of your species. So, this might come as a news flash, but you will never, ever, ever need to coat yourself in some spicy, “sexy,” manly-smelling spray in order to get a girl to like you.

Finally, do NOT overthink this process of impressing girls. If you’re a great guy, trust me, she already knows.